


Madhouse

by MethylNox



Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-18 22:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22234351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MethylNox/pseuds/MethylNox
Summary: Edgar comes back to Earth (reluctantly) from Heaven to fix a problem.Some people just don't let go.
Relationships: Jimmy "Mmy"/Edgar Vargas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Madhouse

Heaven is a huge pain in the ass.

Or at least that’s what any normal person would tell you. 

But, to be completely fair, we must take in consideration the fact that not a lot of normal people end up in Heaven, anyway. So, sorry, but we cannot fact-check.

No. Heaven is for children who die too young to know real sin. For sweet grandmothers that stay in their houses praying for their families and for all the evil to end. For nuns that try on a daily basis to make this world a better place to live, or to die, in. For poor, clueless guys that have terrible diarrhea incidents while dating beautiful women. For calm, good citizens that never double-park and pay their bills on time… and of course… for Edgar.

Oh yes, there he was. Sitting in the middle of row number 237,654. He was completely still, staring at nothing in particular. Twenty-nine well-lived years, unstained by no particular morbid sin, had gained him that little chair in the middle of that not-so-clean place. He should be rejoycing, for sure, but if he was to be honest (and Edgar had always been honest) he’d say it was kind of boring.

Eternity sitting on an uncomfortable chair wasn’t what he was expecting at the end of the dark tunnel. If he could have had his pick, Edgar would have chosen a good cheese hamburger and fries, and a large soda too. The kind that doctors always told him to avoid. Even a bagel would had been better compared to what he was getting.

“Thanks for living a life full of sacrifice and to refuse falling prey to every one of your desires and natural needs, Edgar. Here, have a cheeseburger.”

Yeah, that would had been nice. He wasn’t a picky guy. He had never been. Edgar didn’t even have a problem with his own death. Well maybe with the “torn to shreds by a demonic machine” part, that had been quite painful.

But other than that, it had been okay. It had been fast. A long suffering sickness would had been worse, in Edgar’s opinion. He really didn’t remember that much, just the quick, intense pain and of course - he remembered -him-.

His murderer. The Nny person.

God, that had been a crazy one!

“I bet he wouldn’t like here either” he thought. 

Sitting on a chair, watching time pass - and they didn’t even play a single movie. Edgar never considered himself capable of heresy (more out of ignorance than anything) but he be damned, he couldn’t deny it. Edgar didn’t like Heaven that much.

He moved a bit and crossed his leg. The movement of the chair made a little noise. His neighbors looked at him for a second. He looked back at them. And then they all stared into the wide nothing again.

That had been the most exciting moment he had lived since he had gotten there.

And the fun was just beginning. Edgar heard a couple of heels walking in the distance. A strong, elegant pace. He raised his eyes and he saw her: the lady who had showed him the place when he got there in her usual “Social Service” outfit. She was getting closer, walking through row number 237654, whispering something.

“Number 9,999,987, number 9,999,988, number 9,999,989-” the place was indeed a little crowded “-number 9,999,997, number 9,999,998, number 9,999,999-” and then she stopped, right in front of Edgar, her sinful eyes stared at him “- and you must be number 10,000,000”

Edgar swallowed. He didn’t like how she had said that, he didn’t like it at all.

“I-I.. guess so?” he said, his coarse voice felt weird in his throat, it had been a long time since he had last spoken.

“Well it says so here behind your chair, you ARE number 10,000,000, cutie” Damned Elisa smiled at him, a sassy glimpse in her eyes

“Oh, umh, well. Okay. That’s great, I guess.” Why did his chair seem even more uncomfortable all of a sudden?

“It IS indeed. If you want to leave this place?”

“What? I-” How could she knew? How could have they known? Where they reading his mind? 

“Yes, we have direct orders from Up There, apparently.” She adopted a very solemn posture, like a judge, like an executioner “Number 10,000,000, it has been stated that you must go back to Earth, all in one piece, soul, body, mind- and even hair.”

“WHAT?! Wait- WHAT?!”

“Hey, shhh! There are people trying to have some bliss here!” a neighbor yelled.

“But- WHY? What did I do? Is it because I thought the place was dirty? Seriously- I meant no offense, but- you really should clean a little once in a while.” Edgar was a very level headed man. That day when a tree had fallen on his car he didn’t say a thing. He just sighed, called the insurance company, and moved on. Same thing when his house had caught fire. Same thing when Esteban from Accounting stole his lunch or when Nadia dumped him for that professional wrestler. He just sighed and moved on. 

But this felt somehow different. Because after all, this was his end, wasnt it? The heaven that he had earned, the little chair in the middle of nowhere. Everyone wanted to end up here, no?

No?

“Sorry, I cannot give you any more information. Up There doesn’t like to be questioned- and it is really hard to keep this place clean, you know? At least you should be grateful you got a chair! New people have to sit on empty boxes” Elisa scowled, she grabbed his arm and forced him to stand up “Now if you could be so nice and follow me-”

“But where are you taking me? And what is this Up There thing? Are you talking about God? Because he’s not up there, you know, he’s in the middle of that aisle- we are in Heaven! What could be upper than this?” Edgar knew death. He knew all that there was to know about it. He wasn’t scared of dying but- to live again? That set a new and familiar bar of inconveniences. 

Edgar turned back and stared at his old 10,000,000 chair, getting so little in the distance. Suddenly that little piece of wood seemed the safest, most comfortable place ever.

The girl laughed cruelly and grabbed his arm tighter. “You fool. You really think this shithole is the highest spot in the system? You don’t have any idea, do you? Hell, Heaven- they all serve Up There”

“Up There?” He echoed. Edgar noticed they had gotten quite far from the room with the chairs, he surely had given his nighboors the spectacle of a life- deathtime. 

It felt as if they had walked miles in just seconds. A few more steps and suddendly he was in front of a shabby door. There was a single, simple plaque nailed above the door frame that said “UP THERE” in thin, black letters.

“Well, this is it. I can’t enter in there but you have to. Don’t worry, cutie, they won’t bite you- yet. They need you for something, though-” her voice became a dirty whisper as she leaned and hissed over Edgar’s ears “I think I’d be more scared of what they want you to do than of being drowned in boiling acid, hee-hee”

And with a smile she disappeared in a cloud of dark smoke.

“Wait a sec, I’m- I’m-” I’m fucked, would be accurate.

Edgar coughed, the smoke was irritating. Elisa was gone, there was no point calling to her, to anyone. The only thing he could do was carry on.

“This must be a mistake, I cannot get back to Earth, I was ripped to shreds, no one can get back from that. I’ll go inside and clear all of this out, yes I will do that” hearing his own voice was somehow reassuring, he often talked to himself when he’d been alive. 

He knocked on the door and it opened almost instantly. In front of him there was a long, very high stair, so long he couldn’t even see the end of it.

“Watch your hands, wings, tails and other extremities” he could read on a sign that hung from an invisible roof.

Edgar stepped on the stair, a heavy crack was heard and it started to move on its own. A good thing, he thought.

The place was dark and cold, like an operation room, Edgar hugged himself. It took him a while to reach the end of the stairs. When he stepped out of them, they suddenly disappeared and were replaced by an empty space with no bottom.

The man stepped back by instinct. Staring at the black space, he started walking backwards until he hit something- or better said someone.

“Sorry! I’m sorry, sir I wasn’t looking- ” he turned around to face a huge, tall man with horns in his head. He was the tallest man he had ever seen, his red skin just told him one thing. “Oh damn me to hell-”

“Haha, not exactly my boy! You see I just came from there and I have no interest on contributing to the hideous overpopulation by adding one more soul, as tempting as yours could be.” Señor Diablo spoke.

“You- you are-”

“Señor Diablo, for you.” He smiled. In spite of all the red lights blasting inside of Edgar’s skull, Satan himself didn’t seem very threatening. He reminded Edgar of that friendly manager from his last job, the only one that gave him a raise. “Let’s carry on, now, my friend, the sooner the better. That’s what I always say.”

Diablo walked on and Edgar, as shocked as he was, followed him. He had a lot of questions in his mind, but experience told him that asking for answers didn’t lead to anything.

“I’m sure that must feel frustrating.” Diablo spoke.

“Sorry. I didn’t say anything” Edgar’s mind was filled with haze.

“KID, c’mon! You know who’s standing next to you, right?” 

“Yes.. I guess, you can read my mind, right?” he just hoped he hadn’t seen too deep into him. If there was a thing Edgar liked was his privacy.

“Among other things. And yes, that was a vampire the one who stole your lunch when you were in 5th grade. A zombie kidnapped your hamster when you left for camping on 7th grade. That girl you asked out on 10th grade WAS half werewolf. And- the shadow you saw on your pantry? No, sorry, it wasn’t your mother’s ghost.”

The young man stared at him blankly

“ I KNEW IT! That girl kept the whole night sniffing out the food, growling and chasing cats!” Edgar said, triumphant.

“You’ll find that I’m full of answers, Mister Vargas. Answers that they will never give you”

“Could you tell me why am I here, umh- Señor? ” Edgar asked politely, he didn’t want to press his luck. He was in front of Satan, afterall, and the Devil was supposed to be alluring.

They kept walking until they entered another room, this one was brighter, so bright that it hurt Edgar’s eyes.

“You have been bought, by Up There” Diablo explained calmly.

“Bought? But I am a person, not a toy!”

Diablo laughed “Certainly boy but, tell me, and after all these years of Sunday School you surely know the answer to this one.. to whom does your soul belong?”

“To.. God?”

“Yes, exactly. And if your soul belongs to God then he has all the right to sell it, don’t you think?”

“God- sold my soul?” Edgar sounded almost heart broken. Maybe he was.

“He has indeed. Well he was still asleep when they asked him so I, as always, had to take care of everything. Your human soul, Mister Vargas, does not belong in this place anymore.”

“But- but WHY?!” 

“It has been purchased by Up There, I’m afraid everything will be easier to understand once you’re down there, on Earth.”

Edgar felt dizzy, he needed to sit down, he couldn’t understand a thing that was happening to him.

“Oh, but don’t feel bad about it. They paid a lot for your soul, you know? It was the best deal we have done in ages. Plus, you’re leaving in a nice way, you don’t belong to us anymore so we can’t damage you, not even a hair. I don’t really know what they see in you but they think you’re the only one who can solver their problem.”

“What kind of problem?” he found the nerve to stay calm, even then.

Diablo shrugged and smiled “Some people just don’t let go.”

The tall specter hunched to face Edgar “And now that I have told you this, the deal is closed. I’ll see you on Earth, Mister Vargas” a handle appeared besides Diablo, he put his skeletal hand over it and pulled it.

“Wait-NO!”

“I’ll be right there!” Diablo yelled.

Edgar was falling through the air and he kept falling what it felt like an eternity, until he felt something odd.

It was cold, very cold, and wet. The sensation started on his feet and crawled upon his legs, his back and his chest. He couldn’t breathe, Edgar fought and forced himself to open his eyes. Everything looked like a blur of colors. His chest felt like it was about to burst, he reacted to the pain and sat, panting hard.

His reddish face was dripping water. He was inside of a dirty tub. Soaked in water that seemed old and smelled like rust. His teeth were shaking so hard that they hurt.

Hurt.

Pain.

So it was true. He was alive.

Edgar tried to get out of the tub but it was useless, he had lost contact with the concepts of “real body” and “real walking”. It took him 5 minutes to get out of it, only to fall face first on the floor, trembling like a newborn fawn.

There on the floor, he gave himself a chance to calm down. He looked at the greyish-greenish ceiling and then around himself. The bathroom looked as if it was part of a horror-movie scene. Red-brown stains everywhere, dirt and dust. It was beyond disgusting and being naked there made it worst. 

Edgar sat on the floor and sighed. The mass of emotions that was boiling inside of him could not be described. 

He wouldn’t have time to try to unpack them, tho, as he heard a voice far through the walls of the bathroom he was in.

A man was screaming at the top of his lungs.

A high pitched, raspy voice. A familiar voice. 

Yes. He remembered him.

Edgar’s blood went cold right when he understood where he was. 

It was Johnny’s house. The house he had died in.


End file.
